Author Archives: Producer Thomas

About Producer Thomas

Producer Thomas is the producer of the Teri O'Brien Show.

Voter ID – Racism spreads beyond the polling place!

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The poor in America are really getting the shaft, but thanks to the democrats, at least they can vote. While the republicans attempt to deprive minorities and the poor of their voting rights by requiring photo IDs, the issue goes well beyond voting. Here are some of the other things the poor cannot do because of oppressive ID requirements:
- Claim their lotto winnings. Lotto winnings must be reported to the IRS at the time of collection. In order to do that, you must provide proof of identity. THIS MEANS THAT ONLY THE RICH CAN WIN LOTTO!
- Buy cold medicine. Since the main ingredient in the most popular and effective cold medication is now a controlled substance (people use it to make methamphetamine,) the poor and minorities CANNOT BUY IT! This means that they must suffer through their colds, while the rich can get relief from their symptoms. As if life isn’t tough enough on those who have been victimized by racism and the economic terrorism of capitalism, they also have to sneeze their way through their miserable existences.
- Buy guns. (Never mind. They seem to be able to get around this one, at least in Chicago.)

So, the bottom line: we live in a cruel society, where the poor and minorities are oppressed. For God’s sake, can we take the measures necessary so that the poor and minorities can participate as fully as we, the well-connected, fortunate winners of life’s lottery?

No, I’m not proposing that we eliminate all requirements for photo identification. That will not solve the problem.  We must ask ourselves, WWFRD (What Would Franklin Roosevelt Do?)  And I think we all know. That’s right. I’m proposing a complete ban on the new Jim Crow – photo identification. The photo ID should be banned by force of law.  Under this ban, when someone asks for proof of identification, they would be arrested.

But if it happens to you, there’s no need to be concerned with having an arrest on your record. At the arraignment, just give them a fake name.

Random thoughts before today’s show…

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I’m tired of hearing about how 90% of all Americans are for universal background checks. What a charade. No one is even discussing what the disqualifiers would be (taking an antidepressant, DUI. unpaid parking tickets, overdue library books…?) I propose we have universal background checks for anyone who wants to work in media, and full disclosure of the results. Then at least the public would know that 90% of them were at one time connected to the democratic party or related to someone who is.

With some libs planning to push higher taxes on ammunition, we may find ourselves living in a country where only the rich can afford to lock and load. But don’t worry, I’m sure the democrats will come up with an “ammo-stamp” program for the “poor.” Like food stamps, it will be abused more often than the wife of an alcoholic hillbilly, but it will do what it’s intended to do; produce votes for democrats.

Here are a couple of items from the “It’s Great to be a Short Term Thinker” Department:

The democrats and the media mocked Ronald Reagan’s strategic defense initiative, saying that it would be at least 2000 before it would yield the desired result.. That means by now, we’d be about twelve years down the road from being in a position to tell Kim what-the-fuck and Ah-ma-dim-wit to take their nuclear weapons and shove them straight up their asses.

Back in 2003, the opposition to the war in Iraq (jagoffs like Dick(head) Durbin pointed out that Saddam Hussein wasn’t even close to having a nuclear weapon and wouldn’t be until at least…2007. Hey, wait a minute. That’s six years ago…

When President Bush tried to open a microscopic section of the Alaska National Wildlife Reserve to oil exploration, the democrats argued that we wouldn’t even see any oil production until… 2012.

Short term thinking has cost us greatly, and we’re seeing it again, with President Numbnuts putting forth a budget that NEVER balances. His reasoning is that the deficit his budget allows is “manageable.” That may be true, President HeWho (as in, He who doesn’t know what the capital gains tax is), but the national debt is cumulative, as is the service on that debt. If we don’t balance the budget and start paying the service on the debt, we are going to have a new national pass time: knitting “What me worry?” sweaters to sell to the Cypriots.

So, you may have guessed that I’m a little steamed today. Blame it on Michigan. If the weasels had lost, I’d have won my NCAA pool. But not all is lost. If Louisville wins tomorrow, I still win. I’ll bet President Blow-bama is for Michigan.

Blame it all on global warming…

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The other day, I read an article about the disappearance of the polar ice cap. This means that the oceans will rise, and we will pretty much all drown, or something. Even if we survive, we will have to find some way to get through life without polar bears (unless we go to the zoo, which is the only place any of us would see a polar bear anyway.) Of course, the reason that the polar ice cap is melting is global warming, also known as climate change also known as man made climate change also knows as man made catastrophic climate change. Let’s stipulate that we believe in the oxymoron “scientific consensus” (an oxymoron because there is no consensus where science is involved; to be scientific it has to be provable.)

Okay, so the North Pole is melting. Bad news for Santa Claus and polar bears but good news for Eskimos (they can finally wear shorts.) But today I read another piece that said that the ice sheet on the South Pole is expanding, and that that is also due to global warming et al. So. global warming is causing both the shrinking of the ice cap and the expansion of the ice cap. Does that mean if we stop global warming, the South Pole will shrink and the North Pole will expand? If so, what’s the point? The take home lesson:
Drill, baby, drill.

Conservative Movies You’d Want to See!

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Rumor has it that a number of big screen offerings this coming year will feature conservative themes. Hollywood has finally seen the error of its ways and it turning farther and farther away from the Obama agenda. Can you believe it?

Well, you shouldn’t, cause I just made it up. Call it wishful thinking on a sunny Sunday, but if it were true, here are a few dynamite suggestions for potential blockbusters:

1. “I, Gore-Bot”
Genre: Science Fiction.
Plotline: A mad scientist seeks to organically develop the perfect human being but forgets to add the intellect enzyme and ends up with Al Gore.

2. “Zero Dark Durbin”
Genre: Medical/Suspense.
Plotline: A team of medical superstars must devise and execute a surgical procedure to extract a well-known midwestern Senator’s head from his ass.

3. “Mensa Unchained”
Genre: Comedy
Plotline: Hilarity ensues when an unassuming tradesman, with the help of the Internet, uses the parts from his fourteen year old panel truck to build an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile.

2. “Invasion of the Media Snatchers”
Genre: Documentary
Plotline: This hard-hitting documentary examines the only possible explanation for the mainstream media’s stupidity and laziness; their brains have been sucked out of their heads by space aliens intent on destroying humanity.

5. “Honey, I shrunk the GDP!”
Genre: Political, Black Comedy
Plotline: America’s first black President bumbles through a quadruple dip recession while his bossy wife thumbs through travel brochures.

6. “The Hunger Games, Part II.”
Genre: Drama/Suspense
Plotline: After a nuclear conflagration destroys 99% of the world’s food supply, a beautiful young woman warrior must somehow find enough food to survive after getting in line behind Michael Moore at the world’s last remaining all-you-can-eat buffet.

7. “Planned Parental Guidance”
Genre: Family
Plotline: After their pre-teen daughter becomes pregnant for the eleventh time, liberal parents Bill and Bernadine must finally come to terms with the fact that she is a slut, not a liberated woman.

8. “The Twilight Saga – Benghazi”
Genre: Political
Plotline: After their seven thousandth explanation is met with skepticism, the Obama administration decides to blame the Benghazi attack on vampires.

I wish I could close with “Coming to a theatre near you” but I can’t. The dream of a conservative or even a reasonably objective Hollywood remains just that – a dream. But hey, dreams are what movies are made of, right? It just depends on whose dreams…

As Porky Pig would say, “That’s all folks.”

My Top Ten Picks for the New Pope

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With Pope Benedict announcing that he will be stepping down at the end of this month, it’s time to look at some of the likely (and some unlikely) candidates to succeed him. Conceding that some black Cardinal (don’t know his name and don’t care) from Africa and Timothy Dolan from New York are the top two candidates, there is still some room for dark horse candidates.

Here are my picks for the top ten odds-on underdogs who might not make great Popes in the traditional sense, but would sure make the illuminati of the popular culture happy. I realize that they are not all Catholics, but should that really matter? If we can have gay Boy Scout leaders, shouldn’t we be able to have non-Catholic Popes? This is the twenty-first century, after all.

10. Bill Clinton. Based on his elevation to deity by the mainstream media, America’s randy ex-president would have to accept a drop in status, but still might consider the job if the celibacy thing can be revoked.
9. Mickey Rourke. Unlike Clinton, Rourke is at least a Catholic, and the papacy might benefit from a Pontiff with a scraggly, hacked up face and a tough guy image. Take that, Ayatollah!
8. Tina Fey. First woman Pope. What an advance for humankind. Ms. Fey has demonstrated her brilliance with her Sarah Palin imitation. Now it’s time for her to sanctify us with her holiness. She is holy, isn’t she? After all, she is the creator of 30 Rock…
7. Nancy Pelosi. Also would be the first woman Pope, and she is definitely a Catholic in the values smorgasbord sense. This choice would thrill Planned Parenthood and could raise big bucks for the Church in the U.S.
6. Ron Reagan Junior. Lil Ronnie has pretty much shot his wad as a color man at televised dog shows. It’s time for the big time. And imagine the synergy he’d create with Bishop Desmond Tutu.
5. Christopher Dorner. This assumes that the crusading ex-cop is still alive at the end of the month. This would make the tweeting left very happy, as Dorner is doing what a Pope is supposed to do- fighting racism. As to his cold blooded killing of innocents; hey, that’s why we have confession.
4. Barack Obama. The Church has a lot of wealth. Who better to redistribute it?
3. Lady Gaga. The third and final woman (as least she says she’s a woman) candidate, the Gag-ster would definitely send thrills up the legs of the College of Cardinals.
2. Steve Kroft. As official Obama ass kisser, Sixty Minutes correspondent Kroft could bring his eager pucker to the Holy See and personally oversee the effort to make Barack Obama the first non-Catholic saint, and the first saint to be cannonized via FaceBook.
1. David Brock. Brock, the quasi-religious homosexual founder of Media Matters, would be the first ever admittedly gay (the key word is admittedly) Pope. Since we all know that Jesus, like Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Abraham Lincoln and every great leader in history with the exception of stud President Bill Clinton (see item 1) was gay, Brock would be a most fitting choice, especially for fans of the TV show “Glee.”

Alright, I know these picks are B.S. None of these numb nuts would make a great Pope or a great anything. Fact is, they all suck, with the possible exception of Mickey Rourke. But look at it this way- with this collection of liberal freaks running the Church, the rest of us would seem very, very normal. And perhaps the world at large would realize it.

Al-Jazeera, meet Al-Gore or, $500 million ain’t what it used to be…

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According to Al “I cleared $100 million, how was your day?” Gore, the sale of Current TV to Al-Jazeera was a natural. After all, said the man who spent his three month stint in Viet Nam clad exclusively in a tuxedo, both networks were founded “to give voice to those who are not typically heard; to speak truth to power; to provide independent and diverse points of view; and to tell the stories that no one else is telling.” If there ever was a time for the “Kiss my ass!” drop from The Teri O’Brien Show, this would be it.

On the positive side, all of the goofballs on the network’s talk shows (Jennifer Granholm, Cenk something or other) will be banished into lunatic oblivion; on the negative side, no more “Vanguard”, the excellent showcase for young documentary film makers (no, they were not Michael Moore like propaganda “crock” umentaries, they were real documentaries.)

Gore, who is the recognized leader of the global warming wacko contingent, has irritated some leftists by selling out to the Qatar oil Sheiks, but that does not seem to be bothering him. (Rumor has, however, that he will demonstrate his continued opposition to fossil fuels by heating his house with customized fireplaces that burn money.)

What will this mean to the average American? Very little, unless the new Al-Jazeera America tries to attract ratings by showing free porno films. “Current” ly, only about 42,000 viewers per night watch the network (too little for even Oxy Clean to advertise,) so the Sheiks may find themselves paying $11,904.77 per viewer. For half that rate, I’d parade around Trader Joe’s with a “Israel Unfair” sandwich board, so I’m not sure they’re going to get their monies’ worth. But that’s not my problem.

This is a teachable moment, nonetheless. Imagine the media reaction if George Bush had sold as much as a used lawn tractor to an Arab Sheik. Just think about what Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, Chris Matthews and the rest of the liberal idiot corps would be saying. And think about it soon. You never know, the owners of MSNBC might be inspired to sell the network to the government of oil rich Russia. In that case, American viewers might be treated to entertainment classics like “The Vlad Putin Show,” a ninety minute gabfest and pectoral muscle flexing tournament. Come to think of it, compared to “Hardball”, that would be a major upgrade.

Pelosi, Democrats Move to Head off New Threat – or Die Trying!

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Even as humankind faces extinction due to man made global warming, a researcher at NASA (National Association of Suicide Actuaries) has identified and even bigger threat to the survival of the United States: Suicide. According to Sergey Dyov, Senior Fellow at the federally-funded think tank, if the growth of the suicide rate among Americans maintains its current pace, by the year 4714, there are unlikely to be any of us left. “With a few minor adjustments to the computer model, and allowing for immigration, we might make it to 5200, but no further” stated a terse Dyov speaking before an alarmed audience at the National Underwriters of Theoretical Scenarios (NUTS) convention, which included the democratic congressional caucus. Dyov further stated that not even the election nor re-election of President Barack Obama seemed to reverse this trend. On the contrary, said the noted actuary and part-time fantasy football statistician, “The trend toward desiring to end one’s life since the Obama ascendancy has increased, especially among property owners, the employed and people with I.Q.’s over 77.  This is very disturbing.”

In response, House minority leader Nancy Pelosi immediately announced that the democrats would be proposing a $60 trillion suicide prevention initiative intended to dovetail with the 2016 Presidential campaign. “We can’t just sit by and let ourselves kill ourselves” a tearful Pelosi told the editorial board of the New York Times over ice cream at the Cheesecake Factory in suburban New York. “If there’s one thing we can do for the children, it’s to make sure they’re aware of the finality of death.” As such, Pelosi announced that she was teaming up with Hollywood powerhouse Dreamworks SKG to develop a series of theme-based videos and cartoons based on “Larry the Lemming”, a fictional character who refuses to follow his friends over a steep cliff.  Additionally, Pelosi, in conjunction with retailer Abercrombie & Fitch, announced  new line of low rise, hip-hugging blue jeans for teen girls emblazoned with the campaign’s motto “Don’t Kill Yourself” across the derriers.

Despite strong support from President Obama, Pelosi said she expects to face strong opposition from the Republicans, but anticipates that they’ll eventually succumb.