(Note: The term “Real Americans” refers to those of us outside the Washington, D.C. inside-the-beltway bubble.)
I think I may have first realized it after an unfortunate self-inflicted overdose of watching Dana Perino, Karl Rove and Matthew Dowd on television. Suddenly, after hearing the phrase, “those Tea Party crazies have killed the Republican brand” one time too many, I had a Kevin McCarthy-like revelation. I do not refer to the Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) who is a member of the House leadership, although, I’m sure the Congressional McCarthy might have had a similar epiphany after watching that troika. No, I mean the Kevin McCarthy who starred in Don Siegel’s 1956 classic “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” McCarthy played Dr. Miles Bennell, who returned from a business trip to discover many of his friends and patients suffering from a bizarre malady, one about which they themselves are blissfully unaware. According to their worried loved ones, the afflicted appear identical to their former selves on the outside, but those who know them well are convinced that they’ve been replaced by unfeeling, dead behind the eyes lookalikes.
In the movie, whatever it is that turned these normal Americans into weird Doppelgängers isn’t identified, but when it comes to inside-the-beltway elitist pundits, I not only know what ails them, I have a name for it, one that came to me suddenly during that aforementioned-RINO fest. It’s not that their bodies have been occupied by some frightening alien life force. It’s that their brains have been severely eroded by an airborne ailment that eats away at the area of the cerebral cortex that regulates the ability to perceive events and situations accurately, and to use the life experience that fosters common sense to understand them. Like the malaria common to the Washington, D.C. swamps one hundred years ago, it’s prevalent in our nation’s capital, but it can be found in other large metropolitan areas. If you display any of the following symptoms, you may be suffering from this same problem: (1) the obsessive need to be admired by people who despise you and everything you claim to stand for, and to be considered “reasonable” and “moderate” by them (2) the very mistaken, and demonstrably hilarious, belief that attendance at an Ivy League college is prima facie evidence that a person is intellectually superior to pinheads in the middle of the country who attend schools with names that end in “SU,” (3) heart palpitations and the breaking out in a cold sweat in terror at the thought that anyone might think that you are one a member of the “far right” and (4) the all-consuming desire to fit in with snooty, prissy East Coast elites. Is that you? (Dana, did you sneak over here again?) If you have any of these symptoms, you may have East Coast Brain Rot ™
Sadly, ECBR ™ is not limited to the chattering class, as they are known using the dull cliché that they use to describe themselves. Lack of original thought is another symptom, one they share with the leftists in academia and media that they are so desperate to impress. No, unfortunately, I can name several elected officials, even some who claim to be proud “conservatives” who show disturbing evidence of being infected. I would have thought Rep. Paul Ryan would be immune to this horrid plague, but apparently even a gun-loving, plain spoken, down-to-earth, but smart as a whip, son of the Heartland is not. Last week, I got a wake up call when Rep. Ryan penned a Wall Street Journal op-ed that sent thrills up the legs of the ECBR community (Yes, we’re looking at you, Medved) by claiming to address the issue of the entitlements that will turn this country into a bankrupt basket case without mentioning the Barack Obama’s hideous health care scheme. I realized then that even this guy can be seduced by the charms of being a member of the Washington elite. Obamacare is not only the mother of all entitlements. It is the crown jewel of Obama’s “transformation” of our precious country into a socialist utopia, and he doesn’t even mention it? A very bad sign.
How can this happen? I know it’s probably nearly impossible for you, Bitter Clinger, to imagine how thrilling it would be to be praised by Charles Krauthammer at a glittering Georgetown party, or to hear Dana Perino squeal with delight while acknowledging your brilliance as you explain “baseline budgeting,” but try this analogy to gain some understanding. What if you were suddenly on the receiving end of gushing admiration by the cast of Duck Dynasty times Sarah Palin times Wayne LaPierre? See, that’s what I’m talking about. Imagine what they might get you to say or do to keep their love. “Yes, actually, I have taken down and dressed several moose. Why do you ask?”
So the next time you ask yourself how a Republican could say something more suitable to a liberal democrat, now you have your answer. Dedicated conservative patriots continue to labor day and night to find a cure for ECBR ™ In the meantime, you have been warned.