If Only …Michelle’s Fantasy Life

One of the biggest mistakes we can make in life is looking at others enviously and assuming that they have it so much better than we do. I mention that, my fellow bitter clingers, because as you sit there looking forward to a big weekend, which may even include a frozen pizza from Wal-Mart and a movie from the Red Box, some of you might look with envy on the glamorous life of Michelle Obama. I know that you think it’s all light and laughter, what with the trip to a luxury resort in Spain, a first-class African safari with not only her mother and daughters but her niece and nephew, annual vacations to Hawaii and Martha’s Vineyard, and the endless number of date nights, but I’ve reminded you before of two important things that I think you may be forgetting: (1) sitting in that chair while your full-time make-up artist makes you presentable isn’t as easy as it looks, and (2) reparations have to start somewhere, and Barack and Moochelle figure, why not with us?

We’ve chronicled her travails before, such as the horrors of being unable to “sneak out” of the White House, go shopping, and eat ice cream. Recently we learned that her burden was even heavier than we knew, and I do mean heavy, what with having to worry about the Oprah waddling around and stepping on her physical fitness agenda by having the audacity to be successful and fat at the same time. Today the pitiful creature reveals who she wishes she could be, in a better world, one in which she isn’t endlessly tortured with appearances on magazine covers, serenading musicians or fittings for designer gowns, none other than frequent White House guest and BFF, the bizarrely-named Beyoncè!

The Washington Post, reporting on the First Klingon’s recent interview with People Magazine, quotes her as saying “[i]t looks like musicians just have the most fun.” She should know. She’s certainly had many opportunities to observe them up close and personal at the glittering soireèsfeaturing some of America’s most talented musicians, including the Bush-hating, grammatically-challenged Lonnie Lynn aka Common

(HURL ALERT-READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK!) Also in the same WaPo article, we learn that Barack likes to tuck Moochelle into her bed at night. YIKES! I haven’t had my flesh crawl like this since Mooch told us about sitting on her daddy’s lap, at age 20, while watching the Olympics. That was during that embarrassing, and pathetically unsuccessful, attempt to bring the Games to Chicago. How things can change in a couple of years! That was way back when the Oprah used to take Barack’s calls.

Clearly, Michelle Obama is an energetic woman. Unfortunately, her energy is fueled by resentment, and an enormous sense of entitlement. Actually, I’m being kind, and who am I kidding? She is a boiling cauldron of race-based rage, a rage that she barely conceals. Perhaps she is  looking at Beyoncè and assuming that the singer’s life is happier because Mrs. Jay-Z isn’t angry and bitter. For once, it might make sense for one person to look at another’s life with some envy, if only the onlooker might learn from that experience.

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