My Top Ten Picks for the New Pope

With Pope Benedict announcing that he will be stepping down at the end of this month, it’s time to look at some of the likely (and some unlikely) candidates to succeed him. Conceding that some black Cardinal (don’t know his name and don’t care) from Africa and Timothy Dolan from New York are the top two candidates, there is still some room for dark horse candidates.

Here are my picks for the top ten odds-on underdogs who might not make great Popes in the traditional sense, but would sure make the illuminati of the popular culture happy. I realize that they are not all Catholics, but should that really matter? If we can have gay Boy Scout leaders, shouldn’t we be able to have non-Catholic Popes? This is the twenty-first century, after all.

10. Bill Clinton. Based on his elevation to deity by the mainstream media, America’s randy ex-president would have to accept a drop in status, but still might consider the job if the celibacy thing can be revoked.
9. Mickey Rourke. Unlike Clinton, Rourke is at least a Catholic, and the papacy might benefit from a Pontiff with a scraggly, hacked up face and a tough guy image. Take that, Ayatollah!
8. Tina Fey. First woman Pope. What an advance for humankind. Ms. Fey has demonstrated her brilliance with her Sarah Palin imitation. Now it’s time for her to sanctify us with her holiness. She is holy, isn’t she? After all, she is the creator of 30 Rock…
7. Nancy Pelosi. Also would be the first woman Pope, and she is definitely a Catholic in the values smorgasbord sense. This choice would thrill Planned Parenthood and could raise big bucks for the Church in the U.S.
6. Ron Reagan Junior. Lil Ronnie has pretty much shot his wad as a color man at televised dog shows. It’s time for the big time. And imagine the synergy he’d create with Bishop Desmond Tutu.
5. Christopher Dorner. This assumes that the crusading ex-cop is still alive at the end of the month. This would make the tweeting left very happy, as Dorner is doing what a Pope is supposed to do- fighting racism. As to his cold blooded killing of innocents; hey, that’s why we have confession.
4. Barack Obama. The Church has a lot of wealth. Who better to redistribute it?
3. Lady Gaga. The third and final woman (as least she says she’s a woman) candidate, the Gag-ster would definitely send thrills up the legs of the College of Cardinals.
2. Steve Kroft. As official Obama ass kisser, Sixty Minutes correspondent Kroft could bring his eager pucker to the Holy See and personally oversee the effort to make Barack Obama the first non-Catholic saint, and the first saint to be cannonized via FaceBook.
1. David Brock. Brock, the quasi-religious homosexual founder of Media Matters, would be the first ever admittedly gay (the key word is admittedly) Pope. Since we all know that Jesus, like Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Abraham Lincoln and every great leader in history with the exception of stud President Bill Clinton (see item 1) was gay, Brock would be a most fitting choice, especially for fans of the TV show “Glee.”

Alright, I know these picks are B.S. None of these numb nuts would make a great Pope or a great anything. Fact is, they all suck, with the possible exception of Mickey Rourke. But look at it this way- with this collection of liberal freaks running the Church, the rest of us would seem very, very normal. And perhaps the world at large would realize it.

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