Even as humankind faces extinction due to man made global warming, a researcher at NASA (National Association of Suicide Actuaries) has identified and even bigger threat to the survival of the United States: Suicide. According to Sergey Dyov, Senior Fellow at the federally-funded think tank, if the growth of the suicide rate among Americans maintains its current pace, by the year 4714, there are unlikely to be any of us left. “With a few minor adjustments to the computer model, and allowing for immigration, we might make it to 5200, but no further” stated a terse Dyov speaking before an alarmed audience at the National Underwriters of Theoretical Scenarios (NUTS) convention, which included the democratic congressional caucus. Dyov further stated that not even the election nor re-election of President Barack Obama seemed to reverse this trend. On the contrary, said the noted actuary and part-time fantasy football statistician, “The trend toward desiring to end one’s life since the Obama ascendancy has increased, especially among property owners, the employed and people with I.Q.’s over 77. This is very disturbing.”
In response, House minority leader Nancy Pelosi immediately announced that the democrats would be proposing a $60 trillion suicide prevention initiative intended to dovetail with the 2016 Presidential campaign. “We can’t just sit by and let ourselves kill ourselves” a tearful Pelosi told the editorial board of the New York Times over ice cream at the Cheesecake Factory in suburban New York. “If there’s one thing we can do for the children, it’s to make sure they’re aware of the finality of death.” As such, Pelosi announced that she was teaming up with Hollywood powerhouse Dreamworks SKG to develop a series of theme-based videos and cartoons based on “Larry the Lemming”, a fictional character who refuses to follow his friends over a steep cliff. Additionally, Pelosi, in conjunction with retailer Abercrombie & Fitch, announced new line of low rise, hip-hugging blue jeans for teen girls emblazoned with the campaign’s motto “Don’t Kill Yourself” across the derriers.
Despite strong support from President Obama, Pelosi said she expects to face strong opposition from the Republicans, but anticipates that they’ll eventually succumb.