My Top Ten Picks for the New Pope

With Pope Benedict announcing that he will be stepping down at the end of this month, it’s time to look at some of the likely (and some unlikely) candidates to succeed him. Conceding that some black Cardinal (don’t know his name and don’t care) from Africa and Timothy Dolan from New York are the top two candidates, there is still some room for dark horse candidates.

Here are my picks for the top ten odds-on underdogs who might not make great Popes in the traditional sense, but would sure make the illuminati of the popular culture happy. I realize that they are not all Catholics, but should that really matter? If we can have gay Boy Scout leaders, shouldn’t we be able to have non-Catholic Popes? This is the twenty-first century, after all.

10. Bill Clinton. Based on his elevation to deity by the mainstream media, America’s randy ex-president would have to accept a drop in status, but still might consider the job if the celibacy thing can be revoked.
9. Mickey Rourke. Unlike Clinton, Rourke is at least a Catholic, and the papacy might benefit from a Pontiff with a scraggly, hacked up face and a tough guy image. Take that, Ayatollah!
8. Tina Fey. First woman Pope. What an advance for humankind. Ms. Fey has demonstrated her brilliance with her Sarah Palin imitation. Now it’s time for her to sanctify us with her holiness. She is holy, isn’t she? After all, she is the creator of 30 Rock…
7. Nancy Pelosi. Also would be the first woman Pope, and she is definitely a Catholic in the values smorgasbord sense. This choice would thrill Planned Parenthood and could raise big bucks for the Church in the U.S.
6. Ron Reagan Junior. Lil Ronnie has pretty much shot his wad as a color man at televised dog shows. It’s time for the big time. And imagine the synergy he’d create with Bishop Desmond Tutu.
5. Christopher Dorner. This assumes that the crusading ex-cop is still alive at the end of the month. This would make the tweeting left very happy, as Dorner is doing what a Pope is supposed to do- fighting racism. As to his cold blooded killing of innocents; hey, that’s why we have confession.
4. Barack Obama. The Church has a lot of wealth. Who better to redistribute it?
3. Lady Gaga. The third and final woman (as least she says she’s a woman) candidate, the Gag-ster would definitely send thrills up the legs of the College of Cardinals.
2. Steve Kroft. As official Obama ass kisser, Sixty Minutes correspondent Kroft could bring his eager pucker to the Holy See and personally oversee the effort to make Barack Obama the first non-Catholic saint, and the first saint to be cannonized via FaceBook.
1. David Brock. Brock, the quasi-religious homosexual founder of Media Matters, would be the first ever admittedly gay (the key word is admittedly) Pope. Since we all know that Jesus, like Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Abraham Lincoln and every great leader in history with the exception of stud President Bill Clinton (see item 1) was gay, Brock would be a most fitting choice, especially for fans of the TV show “Glee.”

Alright, I know these picks are B.S. None of these numb nuts would make a great Pope or a great anything. Fact is, they all suck, with the possible exception of Mickey Rourke. But look at it this way- with this collection of liberal freaks running the Church, the rest of us would seem very, very normal. And perhaps the world at large would realize it.

Saving the Bill of Rights, and the Latest on the Debt Ceiling: Today on the Teri O

This week we’ll be discussing the continuing assault on our Constitution by “progressives,” their Priority One project of the last one hundred years. Previously, the Constitution’s detractors paid lip service to respecting it, while doing all they could to use the courts, administrative agencies and executive orders to undermine it so that they could implement their income-redistributionist, big government hidden agenda. Now, the mask is off. Time magazine asks “Does it Still Matter?,” joining allegedly serious analysts in suggesting that because the Founders didn’t have iPads, their amazing work product is a quaint, antiquated relic of a bygone era.

As our guest, Frank Miniter, author of the terrific new book, Saving the Bill of Rights, Exposing the Left’s Campaign to Destroy American Exceptionalism, explains, while the Constitution might be old, its ideas are not. We’ll discuss how our freedoms are being eroded by activist judges, special interest groups, parasitic bureaucrats, and, the current occupant of the Oval Office. Barack Obama is on the record as saying that the Constitution is defective because it is doctrine of “negative rights.” Mr. Miniter will explain just how dangerous that philosophy is, and share his thoughts on which of the ten amendments is the most important and why. (Hint: As I think you’ll agree, he’s absolutely right.)

We’ll also discuss what happens when not keeping it real goes horribly wrong, starring Tim Pawlenty, David Plouffe and Lady Gaga.

Speaking of Gaga what’s got Michelle more steamed this weekend: the collective swooning of the Lame Stream Media and Hollywood over Kate Middleton, a genuinely elegant beautiful lady whose presence shines a light on everything that, despite the full-time makeup artist and staff of over 20, Her Highness Michelle is distinctly not, or the cancellation of the family’s planned vacation to Whitefish, Montana?

Now that Obama’s mind is temporarily off his three obsessions: fundraising, golf, and celebrity soirèes, perhaps he can finally get his ostensibly agile mind around the idea that this time the Republicans may finally caught on to the democrats’ “tax increases in exchange for entitlement cuts” gambit. Dare we hope? We’ll have the latest on the planned debt confab tonight at the White House.

Tune in later for the rest of the story.

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Politics, Pop Culture, the Hottest Issues of the Day, and Your calls. The Teri O’Brien Show, featuring America’s Original Conservative Warrior Princess, Live and in color, Sundays 4-6 pm Central time  at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Teri-OBrien. Daring to Commit Common Sense, Fearlessly, and More Important, Cheerfully, in the Age of Obama.

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Why I Can’t Support Ron Paul, and You Shouldn’t Either. The Teri O’Brien Show, 5/29/11

1st Hour

Happy Memorial Day!

It’s a perfect day to recall Obama’s cringe-inducing “corpsman” remark.

Why I Can’t Support Ron Paul, and Why You Shouldn’t Either

Gwyneth Paltrow raps. Is this putrid celebrity culture really what our troops fought and died for?

Is Lady Gaga a Madonna impersonator or a Cher impersonator? Of just a slut? Can I still say that?

Her favorite democrat is Anthony Weiner, and she whines about waking up every day with large breasts. Sorry, Congressman, Meghan McCain is on a hiatus from dating, that’s Sarah Palin’s fault.

2nd hour

Pity poor Michelle Obama! Sure, you bitter clingers obsess about her vacations, her glamorous wardrobe and her celebrity White House parties, but you don’t know what it’s like until you’ve sat in her makeup chair. Now we learn that she can’t keep her staff members from leaving. It’s tough to understand why Her Highness needs a staff of a couple dozen functionaries. Couldn’t she get by with Orbitz and a few Partymates? That aside, why are her staffers fleeing like hotel maids from DSK? Given some of her statements, you might have the impression that Mooch, a race-obsessed caldron of seething rage and grievance, might be a challenging employer, but that’s not it at all. As Politico explains, it’s just the tremendous pressure she and her staff are under. One professor explains the reason for that pressure, a theory she shares with Chris Matthews, so you just know it has to be spot on! The one who needs to go is the full-time makeup artist, that makes her look like refugee from the Baton Club.

The Critiquelator recalls and reminds us of the sacrifice some of his comrades in arms from Viet Nam. God rest their souls.

ABC’s Christiane Amanpour tries to help befuddled recent college grads figure out why, even with their expensive degrees, they can’t find jobs. One Howard grad proves that he learned his lessons about evil racist Amerika well, the same ones that Michelle Obama learned at Princeton, leading her to write that semi-literate thesis. Does it make sense to throw thousands down the college rathole anymore?

Ms. Amanpour interviews GOP presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty, and asks “define doofus.” Doesn’t she have a mirror handy?

SL Vince posits a theory on “Weinergate,” another story that you heard here on the Teri O’Brien Show before you heard anywhere else.

Self-described former “brain dead liberal” David Mamet reveals that he has stopped fighting mental health and embraced common sense. Marvelous! I’ve always told you guys that liberals could be detoxed!

For links to stories discussed (and even some we didn’t get to, AS USUAL), please click here.

Thanks for listening!

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Politics, Pop Culture, the Hottest Issues of the Day, and Your calls. The Teri O’Brien Show, featuring America’s Original Conservative Warrior Princess, Live and in color, Sundays 4-6 pm Central time  at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Teri-OBrien. Daring to Commit Common Sense, Fearlessly, and More Important, Cheerfully, in the Age of Obama.

 

Can’t listen live? Download it from iTunes and listen on demand.